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Monday, February 11, 2008

THE OLDIES - ERRR THE GRAMMY'S

If anyone is wondering why the state of the music business is in the toilet, one doesn't have to look much past last night's Grammy's. Ouch! What a trainwreck!

The 50 years of Grammy's theme was repeated over and over by the appearance of the Old Bones team - artists we all know and love and have amazing memories of, yet people they like to drag out onstage and have them perform when they can barely even walk. The flow of the entire evening was just as odd, weaving in and out of focus like an eight year old that just ate two bags of cotton candy.


Opening the show was that novel idea of the "duet", which we've seen so many times before but this time with FRANK SINATRA and ALICIA KEYS. Nat King Cole/Natalie Cole - fine. 10 different "Duets" albums over the past 10 years, ok. Last night, ENOUGH!


Cut to the first awards...
They drag out PRINCE, who mumbles though his whole delivery and starts the second theme of the night - over the top weirdos - PRINCE > MORRIS DAY > LITTLE RICHARD.
Great segue into the first trainwreck...
Let's talk about the appearance of THE TIME, how on Earth did the people putting together this evening think that 'Jungle Love' and Rihanna's 'Umbrella' had something in common?? Then, I was embarrassed for/by JIMMY JAM and TERRY LEWIS for their antics and Terry's lust to be on camera any chance he could get. Morris Day then gets all creepy to a young Rihanna as the song ends and Terry Lewis runs up behind them so that he doesn't get missed on this camera opportunity.

Cut to something good to save the sinking ship....At least we had some music by THE BEATLES to remind us all that music can be really good sometimes.


Here comes the old bones: CINDI LAUPER (but with Hannah Monatana) comes out to present an award and in doing so made us all think she was becoming senile.


Now we jump outside to Jason Bateman and the "People's Grammy's" outside the Staples Center. Why? Not sure, but I'm guessing the organizers thought it would add some kind of exciting twist to the evening. The award shows have really turned into something sort of gaudy and embarrassing, in that they try and throw ANYTHING that is hip and in the news (hey, Jason Batemen is in Juno, Juno is hot, let's put him into this music event) into the show so that it's an "unforgettable" evening. It was unforgettable, because it sucked so badly.
And why did the Grammy's have to turn into yet ANOTHER reality show, where some lucky musician that plays a stringed instrument (My Grammy Moment) gets to play with the FOO FIGHTERS and an orchestra conducted by John Paul Jones? How do any of those people go together at all? Do we need to hear the Foo's with an orchestra? Did it add something to that song? I think that every single Foo Fighters song sounds exactly the same since that first record. PLEASE tell me that the OSCARS aren't next in turning an awards show into a bastard with some sort of reality twist to it?

Now for the absolute trainwreck of the evening, KANYE WEST. Believe me, I know this guy has talent and survived the whole face incident thing, but this guy has the ego of all time. He's like Mohammad Ali, except when Ali said he was the greatest, he used his own hands to back it up, instead of DAFT PUNKS, STEELY DAN'S, etc etc etc. I honestly don't even think he's a good rapper, but he has an amazing ear for picking great samples to use and knows how to write a massive hook. His performance was good until he had to do that "Mama" song after the hit song, which I'm sure he bartered for with the Grammy people ("Either you let me perform my 'Mama' song or I don't play"). His first appearance wasn't bad, but the gravy comes later....


Perhaps the saddest moment of the night came when they announced 3 TIME Grammy winner FERGIE and 5 TIME Grammy winner JOHN LEGEND. Just let that sink in for a moment, that those two lame-asses share EIGHT Grammy's between them. Does that say something about what's going on in mainstream music?


OLD BONES TIME: CHER
What was that dress she was wearing (don't people always ask that?) and her "i'm as old as President Lincoln" joke was pretty spot on. Thanks for showing up Cher, where have you been forever?

OLD BONES TIME: TINA TURNER
I'm a huge Tina Turner fan, but hasn't anyone ever heard of leaving a tender moment alone? Why do we have to ruin our image of people we love by seeing them come back out on stage and try and be sexy like they once were 30 years ago? "Proud Mary" was simply scary to me because I thought Tina was going to try and keep up with BEYONCE and throw out a hip. It didn't make me nostalgic, it made me sad.

OLD BONES TIME: ANDY WILLIAMS surrounded by NELLY FURTUDO and some other girl. Why were the three of them put together? Who knows, but poor Andy was so old he could barely read his lines.

Cut outside to the mess that was that FOO FIGHTERS performance.

Now over to BRAD PAISLEY, was that supposed to be a good song? Did you listen to those lyrics???


Trainwreck part 2 beings when KANYE WEST wins his award and calls it "his award". Then he blathers on and on and on and then they start playing music for him to wrap it up. The show is only 3 1/2 hours Kanya, let's save time for all the old dinosaurs we've still yet to wheel out on stage. "
Are you gonna play music on me?" is then followed by "it would be in good taste to stop the music", pure entertainment at the highest level at this point. Watching at home we were rolling on the floor. He closes with "We run this" and struts of the stage because he does run it.

Pet peeve time - LUDACRIS

I think this bozo is one of the least talented people in rap and for him to introduce a lifetime achievement award to CAB CALLOWAY makes me again, very sad.

OLD BONES ALERT: ARETHA FRANKLIN

Come on, Aretha is a legend in the biggest way, but we've all seen recent shows that she's appeared on and know the state of affairs and again, why destroy our fond memories??


A highlight: FEIST

Finally, something actually cool, although she was considered a "new" artist - I guess album #2, Broken Social Scene, etc doesn't count for anything in the past.

OLD BONES AGAIN: Keley ? & KID ROCK
Maybe another one of the lowest points in the show. Why is there such a thing as KID ROCK? What is that guy and what kind of Jedi mind trick has worked to get this guy this popular? Is it just every dumbass driving a Camaro in the US buys his stuff? Are people closet Kid Rock fans? Is he talented? It's like a joke that was never really funny, but keeps getting told over and over again.


MORE OLD BONES: STEVIE WONDER

No one loves Stevie more than I do, but he has jumped the shark in the most fantastic way. I've seen him recently on Oprah and other shows where he's taking everything I held dear and smashing it on the rocks. Stevie introduces ALICIA KEYS, someone I think of as extremely talented, someone I actually like, but then she tries to be BEYONCE on us in her performance. And what was up with her walk? Either she has a bum leg or she used to be a stripper in Tijuana with that walk. I also loved that random keyboard located out on the strip that she stopped to play for 5 seconds.


RANDOM: Cuba Gooding Jr in London?
Hmmm, Cuba is not relevant at all right now so why not let him introduce AMY WINEHOUSE? I'm very happy that Amy had a great night, she deserves it, she is refreshing and something new (sort of). All I have to say is that I love 'Rebab' as much as the next guy, but I think she is this year's MACY GRAY. If anyone believes she'll make 2-3 more quality records that stand up over time, I'll eat my hat.

MORE OLD BONES: TONY BENNETT

Sadly again, he has trouble reading the teleprompter and it breaks your heart to see him up there infused as 'hip'.


And now for the real OLD BONES show!
JOHN FOGERTY - JERRY LEE LEWIS - LITTLE RICHARD From the moment they announced it, I cringed, covered my eyes, then peaked because I had to see the ultimate trainwreck. With how many drug commercials came on between each show segment, I'm shocked there wasn't more from Viagra, as this whole show was for seniors. I think these performances speak for themselves about why we shouldn't put these combos together anymore.

Thankfully the show was coming to an end, but not before they decide to put another one of my all-time "
people that should go off a cliff in a burning school bus" team = WILL.I.AM
This guy is a total whack job. What big WHITE label president bought into the fact that this guy is in some way cool, hip, or even urban? THE BLACK EYED PEAS???? Come on, they're like the Arsenio Hall of hip hop. And what was that 'rap-scat-drivel' that he laid on us? Absolutely horrible.


To complete that list of "
people that should go off a cliff in a burning school bus" we look to Kid Rock, Fergie, Cheryl Crow, Ludacris and John Legend. These people represent everything wrong in music, people that are insanely popular and for the life of me, I can't figure out how or why.

The surprise winner of the night turned out to be HERBIE HANCOCK, which is cool that someone outside of the Foo Fighters, Kanye West & Amy Winehouse won something, but strange as the best thing of 2007. I haven't heard the record, love my Headhunters CD's and '
Rock It' on vinyl, but the best album? It was a victory just because he's talented and has lasted over the years, something that I think none of the three artists above will be able to say (I don't count that Grohl was in Nirvana).

The other victory came from the fact that an entire awards show took place without the presence of CHERYL CROW.

When I think about all the NY label executives that flew out to LA to attend this show, and how much money was spent on the parties, the lunches at the Beverly Hills Hotel, the back-slapping old boy's club that goes on around these events, I fully understand why we have 4 major labels left (if you count any of them as major anymore) and why their finances are such a mess. Those executive salaries, those expense accounts, the buildings full of employees that push today's garbage out, those "hip" a&r kids that factor how many friends you have on Myspace, and I think you all get what you deserve.

I was just sent this video link by the good people at LITTLE RADIO and this sums my rant up perfectly.....



2 Comments:

Anonymous Tough Customer said...

"THE BLACK EYED PEAS???? Come on, they're like the Arsenio Hall of hip hop."

Ha! Can I get a woot woot?

11:39 AM  
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